So here I am and I am still alive. This year has been an uphill battle in every way. I have done and accomplished so much, but I have been so sick, and so sad, and so scared, in a way that I never thought I could be. Suspected, but a depth of it I hadn’t yet felt. It is five a.m. and I am writing this before I get a coffee in me and go to back to the city to go to work and I had a night full of bad dreams so forgive me if it doesn’t make any sense but. Man. 2012! What a year. The new year scares me. I’m usually excited for it but I’m not ready to let go of this one because I feel like I’ve failed it and there aren’t good things waiting on the other side. I really thought - and this was probably silly of me - that there was going to be an upward trend this year. And I guess in some ways there was. But I can’t see that right now.
Maybe I’ll have a better picture eventually. Right now, though: I got out alive. I got out of a lot of things alive. I didn’t think I would. I live in a city I adore. I have people who love me fiercely, even when I don’t love myself. Who have done and are doing incredible things for me and supporting me in ways I can’t even begin to really express the proper appreciation for. I am very lucky.
There is a part of me that I am going to choose to listen to that is quiet but is saying ‘keep fighting’. Even thought it seems pointless.
That’s all. 2013 resolution: sword out, keep fucking fighting. It will be worth it eventually. It is worth it now. I have to believe this. I don’t really have another reasonable choice.
Also: be kind. Always.
Anyway. I’m sitting this one out celebratorily but happy new year, guys.
P.S. Beasts of the Southern Wild was my favorite fictional thing of the year since we’re doing thatThis entry was originally posted at http://aquamirage.dreamwidth.org/12131.html. Please comment there using OpenID.