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So here I am and I am still alive. This year has been an uphill battle in every way. I have done and accomplished so much, but I have been so sick, and so sad, and so scared, in a way that I never thought I could be. Suspected, but a depth of it I hadn’t yet felt. It is five a.m. and I am writing this before I get a coffee in me and go to back to the city to go to work and I had a night full of bad dreams so forgive me if it doesn’t make any sense but. Man. 2012! What a year. The new year scares me. I’m usually excited for it but I’m not ready to let go of this one because I feel like I’ve failed it and there aren’t good things waiting on the other side. I really thought - and this was probably silly of me - that there was going to be an upward trend this year. And I guess in some ways there was. But I can’t see that right now.

Maybe I’ll have a better picture eventually. Right now, though: I got out alive. I got out of a lot of things alive. I didn’t think I would. I live in a city I adore. I have people who love me fiercely, even when I don’t love myself. Who have done and are doing incredible things for me and supporting me in ways I can’t even begin to really express the proper appreciation for. I am very lucky.

There is a part of me that I am going to choose to listen to that is quiet but is saying ‘keep fighting’. Even thought it seems pointless.

That’s all. 2013 resolution: sword out, keep fucking fighting. It will be worth it eventually. It is worth it now. I have to believe this. I don’t really have another reasonable choice.

Also: be kind. Always.

Anyway. I’m sitting this one out celebratorily but happy new year, guys.

P.S. Beasts of the Southern Wild was my favorite fictional thing of the year since we’re doing that

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